Derby Day Is ...UM...I Forgot

I have a confession to make. I might be the worst sports fan in the world. I went to the Derby last year, and didn't see a horse. Let me be clear: I was at the Derby for all 13 races and never even saw the first hoof or jersey. 

See, there's a problem at Churchill Downs if you're one of the 80,000 people crammed in the infield. You're having too much fun to give a shit about horses thundering around a track, even if you've got money on the event! The booze is flowing, skin is showing and life - is good.

I highly recommend getting to the Kentucky Derby in Louisville, Kentucky before you die. It's like Mardi Gras with blankets, fucked up hats, picnic areas...and betting. Betting is important, because even if you don't see a race, you can see the results on a ticker or TV, and in your drunken stupor you can proclaim yourself the King (or Queen) of Kentucky. Which, for 30 minutes or so, is very cool stuff.

Can't get to the bluegrass state? No worries! Throw yourself a kickass Derby party by inviting a whole bunch of tatooed 'necks and drunken old people. Then tell everyone to wear godawful hats. Make sure someone brings the bourbon and mint for Juleps. Next, pass out and wake up battered, sore and confused. I can assure you, you won't miss the horses, either.