Inside the Locker Room

You've heard the jokes before.  You may have made them yourself, even.

"What's it like in the locker room?"

"Are all the guys running around naked?"

"Do guys shower together?"

Stuff like that.  I've been asked those questions myself, having spent plenty of time in these places in the past.  Cynically, I find it a little amusing that these questions are typically the very first thing asked when I've revealed my sports past to gay guys.  I'd prefer a "oh cool, how do you tell the difference between a 2-seamer and a 4-seamer?" But I'm not being realistic here, obviously.

Well, I've been in a few NFL and MLB locker rooms in the last decade, and I suppose this is the proper forum to answer some of those questions.

First, in baseball, it's not a "locker room."  It's called a clubhouse.  I don't know where the name came from, incidentally.

But the quality of the clubhouse depends on how new the facility is.  The newest ballparks have clubhouses that just blow you away. Lush carpeting, high-def televisions all over the place.  Hot water that works.

Then you have Dodger Stadium, the oldest ballpark in the National League.  It's narrow, where you have to stand to the side to let people pass by.  It can only accommodate a couple guys showering at a time.  It's cramped.

OK OK, who cares about this stuff, get to the flesh, right?

It's not an orgy, folks.  Sorry to disappoint.  But depending on the team and the chemistry, there are things that go on which can play into the fantasies of those "athletic supporters."

You get a team full of guys who really get along, and you may see naked guys jumping up and down on a bench doing air guitar stuff while flopping it all over the place.  There's the occasional ass smack pulled by pranksters known for their openness.  Brian Giles of the Padres is notorious - if you believe what's written in the papers - for running around naked all the time.

Guys do end up showering together often.  But no, you're not going to see people doing anything beyond PG.  At worst, you may have a Greg Maddux situation, where during Spring Training, he used to run into the showers and pee on the rookies as sort of an initiation.

It's been my experience that most guys at least walk around in shorts.  On most days, in fact, if they aren't eating in the dining room they are just lounging at their locker reading a book, watching one of the games overhead, reviewing video tape in the film room, or chilling listening to music.

Anyone can catch a glimpse of what it looks like in a clubhouse or locker room if you drop the 10 bones to go on the tour each team usually offers.  You won't find the ballplayers in there at the time, but you can at least see the facility and give your imagination something to work with.

And if you're like some of my friends, boy do you have wild imaginations.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Chase Parker believes in the East Coast bias, stretching triples into doubles, and considers Tommy Boy to be the greatest athlete of our generation.

Unless otherwise stated, no particular sexual orientation of anyone depicted is implied or should be presumed.

Comments

[Jimmy Flowers]

Great post! Would love to read more about this. Even if it's just behind the scenes stuff, not crazy wild junk. I remember hearing about Barry Bonds and his elite bullshit in the clubhouse and I always wanted to know more... Thanks Chase!

[Chase Parker]

I have no doubt Joe will call me out as a Bonds supporter for this, but just with regards to Bonds and his recliner... yes I saw it. Yes it's big. Yet the media (outside of SF) never seemed to report that he wasn't the only guy who has ever had a recliner in there. Guys with bad backs had em. Not to say I agree with it or anything. But home run kings always get crucified more than .220 hitters.

Some players are recluses who wear their headphones and hang in the corner. Some read the bible every single day. Some are video addicts. I remember Lou Merloni trying to win a farting contest.

It's all about the personality.