Giants-Dodgers Rivalry Returns

You wouldn't know it by tuning into ESPN, but there are other rivalries in baseball besides Red Sox-Yankees.  Cubs-Cardinals have a marvelous history in two wonderful sports towns.  But even that doesn't hold the tradition and bitter history that comes with Dodgers-Giants.

As a full-fledged Giants fan, I am proud to announce that we, the Giants, are relevant again.

Finally.

It's been almost five long years since we mattered.  Since that October day in 2004 when we choked away a 3-0 lead and lost on a Steve F'inley (yes, that;'s how we spelled it that day) grand slam, giving the Dodgers the division on the next-to-last day of the season.

2004 seems so long ago.  We had a guy named Bonds smacking 45 homers that year - we barely have that many as a team this season.  Bonds was baseball's villain.  He was the only *cough* guy *cough* using *cough* steroids.  The only one.  You booed him.  You hated him.  You wrote mean nasty things.

You did it for five years, and we had to read all that crap because, frankly, we sucked and had nothing better to do.  We had a team built around aging crappy veterans and one superstar.

Now, it's 2009, and nobody wants to face us.  Well, our pitching anyway.  The two-headed monster of Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain has been effing brilliant, if I do say so myself.  Nearly flawless (though also winless, both, in each of their last starts), they anchor the majors' best pitching staff.  Our bullpen has been phenomenal too.

The offense? Meh.  Our cleanup hitter should only be cleaning up plate after plate of Denny's dinners.  Big Bengie Molina should not hit fourth... ever.  But we have no alternative.  But there's something scrappy about our multi-national lineup of no-namers.  "Pandamonium" has taken over the Bay Area and its effects are rippling through the baseball nation, as Pablo Sandoval is becoming the lovable large hacker who just so happens to also play 10 positions at a time.  He's never seen a pitch he didn't like to swing at, but when you're hitting over .330, you just do your thing, Kung Fu Panda.

The last 2 weeks has seen the unlikely rising of Eugenio Velez.  That's AY-YOU-HAY-KNEE-OH for those keeping track.  The guy is about 95 pounds dripping wet, but he's hit safely in 14 straight games since being recalled from the minors.  He's pounded a few home runs into deep homer territory usually reserved for guys like Bonds. He looks like he should be chasing chickens in a deserted Jamaican field with his bare hands, but instead, he's baffling opposing pitchers who used to be able to let him get himself out.

And about those Dodgers.

Yeah, we hate them.  Like, seriously hate them.  And we're better at hating them than they are at hating us.  Go to LA, and you'll hear boos of course.  If you're there between the third and seventh inning.  By the Bay, we make it a religion to hate LA.  It's not just our bleacher-seat fans who hate the devil; in LA, its questionable whether fans who paid more than $7 for their ticket actually know what's going on in the game.  But I digress.

So the big bad Dodgers are coming to town.  They used to own baseball's best record, now belonging to some pinstriped team in the Bronx.  Manager Joe Torre has run their bullpen into the earth, and they're running on fumes.  Their starting pitching has been great all year, except that they don't give you innings (see: bullpen meltdown), and now Chad Billingsley is hurt.

They made a desperate attempt to make Jason Schmidt relevant again.  Somehow, they actually won a couple games he started, but more in spite of him than because of him.  And sadly, his 80 MPH heater won't be featured as scheduled tonight in San Francisco, because his career appears to be over.

We loved him in a Giants uniform.  Hated him for leaving us in free agency, although we all winked and nodded knowing his arm was shot.  And frankly, we loved the right to hate him when he signed with LA, because it was our excuse for hating an ex-comrade, AND he was screwing over the Dodgers with his lifeless arm and monster contract.

So we're 5.5 games back.  Yeah, that's a tough obstacle to overcome.  Very tough.  The Dodgers' offense is formidable, even with Manny sucking these days.  We're going to give him the same steroid treatment the Dodger fans gave Barry because, well, we can.  Our steroid user was always better than yours!

We gotta take two of the three games.  Not just for our iffy presence in the NL West race, and not because we're tied with Colorado for the Wild Card lead.  No, we must take two of three because it will legitimize our place as a playoff contender, in a season where nobody thought we were going anywhere.

Giants, I implore you: score some runs! Beat LA!

(Photo: Getty Images)

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Chase Parker believes in the East Coast bias, stretching triples into doubles, and considers Tommy Boy to be the greatest athlete of our generation.

Unless otherwise stated, no particular sexual orientation of anyone depicted is implied or should be presumed.

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